August/September 2008
We're All in This Together
Tom Atlee
Bridging the Green Divide
Interview with Van Jones by David Kupfer
A Generational Challenge to Repower America
Al Gore
The Golden Voice of the Southwest
Amy Goodman interviews Utah Phillips
The Traveling Peacemaker
Interview with Mashall Rosenverg
Ronna Kabatznic and Margaret Cullen
Non Violent Communication Basics
Gary Baran
Table for Six Billion
Interview with Judy Wicks
David Kupfer
Seasonal Detoxification for Year Round Health
Bonnie Nedrow, ND and Rod Newton, DC
Top-Down or Upside-Down
Peter Moore
Living Deeply: The Art and Science of Transformation in Everyday Life
Book Review by Alan Sasha Lithman
Cosmic Calendar
Salina Rain
Nonviolent Communication Basics
By Gary Baran
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) facilitates connecting with others in a way that inspires a compassionate response to each other’s needs. The NVC process is comprised of two parts: expressing ourselves honestly, but without criticism or demands, and empathically receiving communication from others, regardless of how they express themselves. Sometimes we can connect nonverbally but often we do this by initiating a respectful dialogue conveying and receiving four pieces of information:
Observations (unmixed with evaluations)
Feelings (emotions or body sensations)
Needs and Requests
If someone is acting in a way that I find difficult to enjoy I might express these four components in a form such as: “When I see (hear, etc.) __ I feel ___ because I need_____; and would you be willing to ____?”
So, for example, if my teenage son is playing his stereo so loud that I have difficulty sleeping, I might say something like “When I hear the music (observation) I feel irritated (feeling) because I need some sleep (need). So would you be willing to use a headset if you play the music after 11 pm (request)?”
Sometimes the other person will agree to such a request without a need for further dialogue. But sometimes that won’t happen. Suppose my son replies “Why don’t you just use earplugs?” Since there are always many ways to meet every need, and a key principle of NVC is not to be attached to any particular strategy for meeting needs, I might well give serious consideration to this suggestion. If my son’s response suggests he is upset about my request, perhaps because he views it as a demand, I would want to respond with some empathy for his pain about that, by guessing his feelings and needs. That might sound like this: “Are you feeling angry because you need to be treated with respect?”
Sometimes, and especially if the other person seems to be in a lot of pain, I would probably begin by offering empathy before calling attention to my own feelings and needs. If the other person is too upset to hear me as I would like to heard, I’m more likely to meet my needs eventually by first listening empathically.
Because of the conditioning most of us have received, we may experience challenges at each step in this process. For example, making a clear observation without mixing it with an evaluation can be a challenge, but if we mix the two together (for example, “When you spoke rudely to me”) the other person is likely to hear criticism and be less likely to respond compassionately to our needs. (In this sort of situation, we might directly quote what the person said.) Becoming fluent at expressing our feelings and needs, learning to make clear requests, and becoming skillful at listening empathically may require some training and considerable practice, but doing this successfully will improve our relationships and enable us to connect with others in a way that gives us power with them and contributes to a more peaceful world.
10 Things We Can Do To Contribute To A More Peaceful World
Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would like to relate to ourselves and others.
Remember that all human beings have the same needs.
Check our intention to see if we are as interested in others getting their needs met as our own.
When asking someone to do something, check first to see if we are making a request or a demand.
Instead of saying what we DON’T want someone to do, say what we DO want the person to do.
Instead of saying what we want someone to BE, say what action we’d like the person to take that we hope will help the person be that way.
Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone’s opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.
Instead of saying No, say what need of ours prevents us from saying Yes.
If we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not being met, and what we could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what’s wrong with others or ourselves.
Instead of praising someone who did something we like, express our gratitude by telling the person what need of ours that action met.
Gary Baran (garybaran@gmail.com) is a professor emeritus of philosophy, a Certified Trainer with the Center for Nonviolent Communication, and was executive director of the Center from 1998 until 2006. Gary lives in Eugene, Oregon and is among those who will be presenting workshop sessions at the Nonviolence as a Way of Life Conference in Eugene Sept. 11-14. The Center for Nonviolent Communication would like there to be a critical mass of people using Nonviolent Communication so all people will get their needs met and resolve their conflicts peacefully. For more info about Nonviolent Communication, please visit www.cnvd.org.
